To End A Relationship Or Not To End It…
Your relationship feels like it is dying. The magic has faded away. You are constantly fighting. The quality time you used to spend together is dwindling or non-existent. You feel like the two of you are drifting apart. There is a part of you that is wondering if you should end the relationship but you are unsure. Should I stay or should I go?
Knowing whether to stay or end a relationship can be confusing. Inside, your mind might be swirling. “What went wrong?” “Do I need to try harder to save what we have and rebuild our bond?” There may be some justifiable reasons why your relationship should end but how do you decide? We can become so caught up in the drama of what is going on that we cannot see the truth of our situation or make a mature conscious choice about what to do.
There are a number of reasons why people stay in a relationship, but by recognizing the symptoms of a failing one you can gain clarity about what is going on and whether or not to it let go. If you are unsure if you should break-up and end the relationship with your significant other here are some signs to consider.
What Are You Thinking About The Relationship Right Now – Today
One key concept to support you in making the decision to end a relationship, or not, is to look at it in its present context, not based upon a hypothetical future or what you are hoping it might be. All relationships have rough patches and troubling times. This is a normal part of a growing relationship and does not mean the relationship should end if a problem rears its ugly head. No relationship is perfect and there will be moments when you are not loving or even liking your partner.
Ask yourself, “What is the relationship like today?” “How has it been this past week or this past month?” Is it committed and affectionate? Do the two of you have respect and understanding for each other? Then perhaps things can be worked out and the relationship salvaged. If, on the other hand, you come to realization that things will never change, then you should be honest with yourself. Is this what you want to experience for the rest of your life?
Relationships are about creating a future together. If you cannot imagine it or if the thought of being with your lover ‘till death do us part’ leaves you feeling down, then maybe it is time to reevaluate what is going on. Why stay if the relationship if is not going anywhere?
Am I Happy In This Relationship?
When you are trying to evaluate the worth of your relationship take into consideration your level of happiness. There is something wrong when you find yourself spending more days sad, worried or anxious than happy, joyful and uplifted. You might discover that the majority of the interactions with mate are negative, hurtful and unhealthy. You might constantly feel disrespected, frustrated, hurt, invalidated, guilty, ashamed, unappreciated or lonely.
As a general rule you should have five positive interactions for every negative one. It might be time to end the relationship if you find these numbers reversed, especially if this is occurring over long periods of time. So if the bad days outweigh the good than it might be a sign that it is time to end the relationship.
Are My Fears Getting In The Way?
Something to also take into consideration is perhaps, just perhaps, there is something going on inside of you. Individuals who have certain kinds of attachment issues, or are trauma survivors, may find that as a relationship gets serious they just want to pack up and exit stage left. Does the idea of commitment bring up strong feeling of fear inside of you? Do you find yourself looking for every little thing your partner does wrong to use as an excuse to flee?
While this may not be your issue, it might be wise to take a moment to evaluate if this has been an issue in past relationships. Your partner may be a wonderful person. It might be your own fears getting in the way and causing you to ultimately want to end a healthy relationship.
Is The Relationships Fair And Equal?
They say that relationships should be about give and take, where each partner provides equally into the relationship. But what if they are not? What if you are always the one taking care of everything, making all of the plans, asking all of the questions, constantly having to reach out for contact and affection? After a while, especially after the romance has ended, it can become exhausting.
This is not to say that everything in your relationship should be quid pro quo in all you do, but if you do not see the relationship as being equal, then there might be a problem. We all have low days, days we are sick, totally stressed out or tired. In a healthy committed relationship, your partner should be willing to pick up the slack. You should feel comfortable expressing your needs and having your significant other try to meet them the best they can.
If you are left feeling like you are being needy, dramatic or unreasonable with your requests, then there may be a problem. You should not have to apologize for having needs. If you are too afraid to share your true feeling, then it might be time to seek help for yourself. On the other hand, if you fear communicating with your loved one because it might evoke a negative reaction from them, then maybe it is time to part ways and end the relationship.
Are My Needs Getting Met?
Individuals who tend to be ‘people pleasers’ may find, after a while, that they are tired of taking care of all of their partner’s needs. The joy they once experienced has become a grueling one-sided chore. If this is you and you have gotten to the point that everything you do to support your relationship feels like it takes too much effort or is a huge inconvenience, then maybe it is time to end the relationship and go.
On the flip side, if you find it difficult to get your needs met, if your partner is unwilling to fulfill the requirements you set forth or are unwilling to try a little harder, then it might also be time to move on. This is often an indication that they do not respect you, you wants and needs. It is a sign that they do not value you but instead value their happiness above yours. Again, we all have bad days, but if this is the ongoing pattern within the relationship, it will probably not change and get better.
Do They Show Bad Behavior?
Does your partner exhibit behaviors that makes you question if you should end the relationship? We all have weird quirks that may get on someone’s nerves, but what if their conduct is intolerable? There are a number of behaviors that are red flags and should be taken into serious consideration of whether you should end a relationship.
Are You Having Trust Issues?
Trust is critical in all relationships. Questioning your partner’s motives, reasoning and actions are all signs that your trust has deteriorated. Trust, once lost, is hard to rebuild. It destroys the security and openness of any relationship. Deceitful behavior, be it lying, cheating and even omitting information destroys the foundation of a healthy relationship. If your partner consistently lies then possibly it is time to reconsider the relationship.
Pathological liars are particularly harmful. They can make you question your own sanity with their manipulation and gaslighting strategies. Their narcissistic behaviors can traumatize even the best of us. Their ongoing disrespect for who you are erodes your self-esteem and should never be tolerated, especially from someone who professes their undying love for you.
Do They Have An Addiction?
Addictions can be a relationship killer. Addictions include drugs or alcohol, gambling, sex, computers or gaming and more. If addiction issues are affecting your relationship, and they are unwilling to stop then you should call it quits and end the relationship.
What If There Is Abuse?
Abuse takes on many forms. It can be physical, mental, emotional, verbal, financial and sexual. Any kind of abuse should be a relationship show stopper. People often recognize abuse when it is physical. It is not uncommon, especially if the individual grew up in a dysfunction home, to not be able to spot when other forms of abuse are occurring. Growing up they never learned ‘what right looks like’.
Periods of abuse, with intermittent times of positive reinforcement, causes us to become emotionally dysregulated. When severe or over vast periods of time, it can create what are called ‘trauma bonds’. Trauma bonds can keep the victim in an unhealthy relationship well past its expiration point. It might be time to end the relationship if there is abuse.
What If I Decide To Stay In The Relationship?
If you decide to work on your relationship, because you realize that there is something worth saving, then roll up your sleeves and get to work. Take the time to sit down with your partner and come up with a plan to reinvigorate the relationship. Celebrate your decision and go for it.
If you decide that going your own way is the best way to go, then celebrate that as well. Breakups are hard. Do not let your guilt, fear or shame keep you trapped in an unhappy or unhealthy situation. The only person you are hurting is yourself. Instead, listen to your heart, follow your intuition and be authentic to yourself. This is the most loving thing you can do if you decide to end the relationship. Feeling will get hurt, but that should not be enough to keep you there.
If I End The Relationship, Will I Survive?
We are designed to survive break-ups and if you decide to leave you will too. It might take a while to regain your footing. You might experience sadness or loneliness, but this is all part of the process of change and growth. If you find yourself walking out the door, use this transition period to learn from your relationship. What worked, what did not? Uncover what you brought to the table and ways in which you can recreate yourself. These steps will help you form a better foundation for the next time around.
Let me help you sort out your relationship concerns.
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